Fear is the little death. September 1, 2011
Posted by phoenixaeon in Born of frustration, Damn you evil inner critic I will soon show you my mettle, If I could sit down and just write I might get somewhere, lost words, Mindless rambling that you could do without!, writing.4 comments
Writing. I don’t do so much at the moment. I haven’t done so much in about two years. The last year or so on the blog is testament to that. Not only in the frequency of posts, but in the quality too. I have lost my lexicological botanic garden. Words no longer flourish at the tips of my cyber or mechanical fingers. To put a cliche to it, the well is dry. And the reason? The little death in the title.
“Too much fear and all you’ll get is silence.” (A L Kennedy, Ten Rules for Writing Fiction, The Guardian.)
Ain’t that the truth! I made a comment the other day about having low self confidence when it comes to putting words on paper. Now, while I think that is partially true, I also know it is because I have a fear of failure. So to stop that fear, why start? It’s like that with the blog. The longer I’ve stayed away, the harder I’ve found it to press publish – even to start a new post. At the last count, I have 29 unfinished drafts of posts I had intended to publish, but I ended up losing my nerve or simply thinking ‘Why would anyone want to read this rubbish?’ So my doubt stayed my hand. I’ve even thought about closing the blog down, as it’s become evidence of my mental self-neglect. Looking at it makes it feel like some elaborate torture device, mocking me in shades of words once known. So much for the ‘Once there were dragons’ thing at the top of the blog. Now the words are gone, too. Well, all but the academic.
So, what to do? I still don’t feel confident enough to start again, despite this post. My flight feathers are still in mourning, crying for the warming rays of the sun. Maybe I should just continue to test the waters by trying to post more regularly here. It might not be the writing I am aiming for, but it could be the means to an end. Or a beginning. A slow therapy to reinstate the visual voice.
Whatever it could be, it’s time to press publish…
Who do I write like? July 15, 2010
Posted by phoenixaeon in General rubbish, writing.4 comments
This was an interesting experiment. There is a site, I write like, where you input text from whatever you are writing, it may be a novel, short story, blog, whatever, and it tells who you supposedly write like. I tried a few pieces and these were my results:
- David Foster Wallace (twice)
- Ian Fleming
- H. G. Wells
- Ursula K. Le Guin
Now, if I could only find confidence in my writing, I might be sorted!
The truth of things. June 30, 2010
Posted by phoenixaeon in Internalised, writing.3 comments
So, a year ago or thereabouts, the results for my creative writing course had just been released and I had received my first rejection letter. To say my delicate ego felt dented was an understatement. She of little confidence had further chips chiseled from an already imperfect diamond. I sent the rejected poems away again, this time I received the cursory ‘We have received you poems, blah blah blah,’ letter from one place and nothing from the other. A six month wait ensued, only to once again have the poems rejected by the means of no communication.
My confidence still hasn’t recovered. In fact, it hasn’t even been to rehab. I cannot find it in me to write anything that requires imagination anymore. I have only written one poem this year – and even this was just a stupid little ditty and nothing of any worth. I feel dead in my creative brain, the muse has been strangled (a rope, in the word processor, by Hope), and I feel lost. I am in a rut and I can’t get out.
But hey ho, at least it appears I am good at writing academic essays. That’s something, I suppose. I just wish I wasn’t brain dead from the muse down. Sigh.
Crawling out from the non-blogging abyss. January 13, 2010
Posted by phoenixaeon in A215, General rubbish, writing.1 comment so far
Wow! Really? It’s been over six weeks since I last posted? Oops! Well, I hope everyone had a fab Christmas and new year then.
So, why haven’t I posted? Well, there’s been a couple of reasons. Before Christmas I was diligently working through the coursework for the kidlit course. Then I had a pre-Christmas panic searching everywhere for Coraline dolls for a pressie for Princi. Then Boxing Day arrived, complete with a yucky lurgy that knocked me out for two weeks, only to be joined by the snow and Princi’s school closing for a week. And over the last week I have been doing battle with TMA03 – and yes, I am currently in essay denial and avoidance while writing this. Saying that, I’ve only another 70 words or so to find (like Pokemon, gotta catch ‘em all!) before the thing is done. I am sick of looking at it, so once it is at the magical word limit it is going. Don’t care, it’s a bunch of confused rubbish, but it’s the best I can do considering the circumstances. So, there is my last several weeks in a nutshell.
Anyhoos, my timely return is due to having watched Survivors tonight. Argh, that show does my nut in! When the first series started, I was in the throes of writing a story for TMA02 for the creative writing course. It was a disaster story based around a flu epidemic and its causes. Survivors, while it’s based on a TV show from the 70s devised by Terry Nation (him who created them there Daleks), bore a resemblance to the story line I was playing with. This was my first grrr. Then tonight, at the end of the episode, the camera shot rested upon a blue log book with ‘Nano assay’ written on the frontispiece. My second grrr! So, just for my own peace of mind, I am posting the A215 story up. Bear in mind that I need to do a little bit of editing on it, particularly the ending, just to clarify who is betraying who. But other than that, I hope that anyone reading it enjoys it. You can find the story here.
And now I’m off to finish this dastardly essay.
Happy, happy, joy, joy! December 4, 2009
Posted by phoenixaeon in EA300, LGMD, Life writing, OU, TMA02.9 comments
Just a quick post, as I’m off to do some more poetry study and read through some bumpf about One Fine Day (who knew there were so many variations of the poem).
The mark for TMA02 happily waited for me this morning. I was convinced I had only done enough to pass – that is get a mark of 40% or a little over – because I had panicked so much about the essay. But, oh, what joy! I opened the ZIP file to find a fantastic mark of 75%. So pleased!
(Yes, I know the mark is lower than what I usually would like to achieve, but yay! It’s better than what I had hoped for!)
Oh, and I’ve added a new page to the Scribbles section – a life writing piece about the trials and tribulations of walking and the battle to diagnose the Muscular Dystrophy. —> A mile in my shoes.
The Living Room October 20, 2009
Posted by phoenixaeon in writing.6 comments
I am deep into the realms of TMA avoidance despite the LRRH essay being constantly on my mind (why did I try to spell mind as mynd?) and I promised myself when I started feeling like this I’d take a break and do some creative writing. I just needed the kick up the bum to take that step. Luckily, Dadwhowrites twittered an interesting link yesterday, one that lead to a goldmine of writing prompts. So, using prompt #5 from sleepisfortheweak:
5. Sit in a room of your house you spend a lot of time in. And really LOOK. Notice all the details you usually miss, and describe them with all the creativity you can muster. Let the every-day inspire you.
- Inspired by ME! Who did this writing exercise today and was pretty flabbergasted at how such seemingly mundane things can provide great writing fodder.
here is my contribution.
The Living Room (on a cold October morning)
Sitting in the cowhide throne, I peruse the room. Silent sentinels, plush or otherwise, keep watch as they peek over jungle toy boxes. The pirate ship sails across the windowsill horizon carrying its haul from Dolphin Cove to its next raid site – Christmas Island. Echo shouts on Butterfly Mountain advertising the best restaurants, her voice returning to her in ever-decreasing newsprint. Horses, scooters and Peppa Pig cars lay claim to carpeted plains, as movie characters and plastic tanks protect the stronghold of Tom and Jerry.
Books, like rabbits, multiply and spring from the table. Knowledge bounds forth, a pestilence of paper, twitching before a condemned fire. Maybe that’s a hint? A parody of natural fuel only used to nourish learning. What warmth from yonder intel promises? It is Little Red and her wolfskin cape!
The Printer sits beside me, sleeping. It speaks when its mouth is not stuffed by haphazard hands with ten pound notes, DVDs, thermometers, acting like Tilapia fish to keep the items safe. Angered by its misuse a paper jam ensues, causing hooligan reactions to the goal-less draw. Adorned by a headdress of rabbit-like poetry and prose, pound coins and practical dates, it attends the USB Mardi Gras throwing necklaces of perfected words to the ground as gifts.
I ain’t heavy… August 13, 2009
Posted by phoenixaeon in Occupational Therapist visits., reading, writing.1 comment so far
Today is another visit day. It is the turn of the ‘lifting and handling’ team. I have to say, that title really does sound dodgy! Lifting what and handling what? Ooer, missus! But in all reality it is only a visit by the folks who will be providing the hoist. Just saying hoist makes me shudder. (But in the background I hear Sylvester, what with Princi watching Sylvester and Tweety, and I am Sylvester’s ideal bird – fat and slow moving. Fabulous!) I have been trying to imagine life with hoist and I don’t think it will be a pretty picture. Ho hum.
As for the extension, things are moving, albeit slowly, on that front. The builder came around on Monday to take a look at things so that he could prepare his quote. At least he took the time to look, all the other workmen that were supposed to pay a visit are either lazy, invisible or Superman as we haven’t seen them. As long as it gets done I really don’t mind. Well, OK. As long as it gets done and the job isn’t a shabby job then I don’t mind.
Writing. I’m still hiccupping. I did start a new, well kind of new, story on Monday. I’ve stalled because it still doesn’t feel right and it is the third false start this story has had. It’s obviously not percolated enough. I’ll have to ressurect one of the longer stories instead. And I suppose I best get back to editing the other things that should have been done by now. I am slacker-procastinator extraordinaire! I’ve even been slacking with the reading for the kidlit course. So I think I’ll have to have an early night so I can trawl through the rest of Treasure Island. Then I think I’ll give Northern Lights a read and attempt to make some notes along the way, as the Northern Lights/Harry Potter option is the required reading for the first assignment. Then it’s the pain in the bum that is Little Women. Hell, I’m going to be in trouble!
Think I best get some reading done while I’ve got Princi hypnotised by the TV (*slaps self on wrist* bad Mummy).
Results day: The aftermath. August 7, 2009
Posted by phoenixaeon in End of A215, Re-writing, reading, writing, Writing goals.5 comments
Well, I’m still feeling a little put out after yesterday. But it’s done and dusted now, ain’t no changing it. The timely arrival of the rejection letter added tenfold to my woes, but it has made me more determined to get something in print now. So it’s time to pick myself up, dust myself down and get on with it. One thing I will say though, that science of happiness experiment must have done something for me (or maybe I’m fooling myself!). I would usually be down in the dumps (yep, just call me Stig!) for about a week after the kick in the teeth that yesterday served me, but instead I marked it all up to experience and got straight back onto the horse. I surprised myself with that!
This meant that I got myself sorted, and last night I e-mailed the Persephone/Cassandra/Yggdrasil poem sequence to First Edition magazine and sent Abyss, gazing to starshipsofa.com. Today I think I might get moving on sending Meat and Gambling on inheritance out somewhere, so poetry magazine research is on the cards later. Then, if I have time, I’ll get back to revising Rosie. Once that’s done, I’ll fix and retitle The Untimely Birthday. I think that story should go to the rebel publishing anthology instead of Rosie; I’ll find somewhere else to send her story.
As for preparations for the next course, well, I’m not reading Little Women now. As with Swallows and Amazons, I’m finding it difficult to get into the story. More’s the pity because I was looking forward to reading it, but I became bogged down in a quagmire of sticky words. Urgh. Only one thing for it, I decided to read Treasure Island instead. To tell the truth I hadn’t expected to enjoy it, so imagine my surprise when I became instantly immersed in the story. I’ve still got a way to go before I finish it, but I’m glad I’ve found a book that I can get my teeth into. Once I’m finished I’ll give one of the slow books another go. After all, they are both required reading for the course. Ho hum!
Of books and poems. July 2, 2009
Posted by phoenixaeon in books, EA300, Poetry, tennis, Wimbledon, writing.4 comments
Hmm. Swallows and Amazons. Still struggling. I really can’t find my way into the story. It feels acutely inaccessible to me and this is resulting in the story (so far) boring me to tears. I can only read a few pages at a time before my brain starts filtering it out as white noise. Not good. This revelation had me choosing to start another of the set books for EA300 (registration complete. Really need to start making headway with the reading now); Mortal Engines by Philip Reeve. What a difference! I was instantly pulled in to this story. I had read some posts on the course forum about how people had struggled with imagining the ‘moveable cities’, but no real problem here, with the description of mechanical London conjuring the image of a metallic, motorised version of Minas Tirith. So, with a story I can get my teeth into, I am looking forward to reading today.
Poems. I found a niche of productivitiy last night, scribbling down two new first drafts – although one will be for Princi’s book – and an almost decent draft of Gambling on inheritance. I’ve worked on that latter again this morning, and had my bro look it over. He seemed to like it, but are family members ever likely to give a real, unbiased opinion? I’m not sure they do, as they are probably worried about hurting feelings. But as long as it’s constructive criticism, then I’m not going to be phased by it. In fact, I’d welcome it. I’m glad I have folks whom I can send stuff to and receive this support from. I don’t think I’d be confident enough to send poems out without their input, as sometimes they see things that I have overlooked, or they offer suggestions that help in strenthening poem. Even the negative criticism is helpful, it makes me aware that the poem isn’t working on some level. So, be on the lookout, I’ll be sending you this new poem to look over!
On other writing endeavours, I have finally had the kick up the bum that I needed to motivate me to finish the final draft of Rosie. Trying to find ways to keep my attention away from the stifling heat of last night, I started thumbing through Writers’ Forum. Don’t know why I started from the back, but I did. I read through the competition poems. I skimmed some of the articles, only to be disgusted when reading an article by a kid lit publisher when she said a book about kids being chosen to go to an island to be involved it a televised survival game – to the death – was a fantastically original story; not so, it seemed a serious rip-off of the Japanese novel/film Battle Royale to me. And then, at the very front of the magazine, I found a tiny little call for submissions for paranormal stories from Rebel Books. That was when my mind was made up to get Rosie fixed. I think it would work well here. So tonight the laptop will be joining me in bed.
Looking forward to the tennis tomorrow, with Andy Murray facing off against Andy Roddick. Should be a good fight, that. I am hoping that Tommy Haas gives Roger Federer a good match in the other semi-final, though I am (no so) secretively keeping my fingers crossed for Haas to win. I’d love to see that! As for the women’s semi-finals today, I would love to see Dinara Safina and Elena Dementieva win, but I think it’s a given that the Williams sisters will take the wins, making the final a replay of last year’s final. Sorry to say, but yawn! They’re great tennis players, but as with Roger Federer, it’s getting a bit boring now. Still, you never know.
To flashback or not to flashback. June 6, 2009
Posted by phoenixaeon in LRRH, publishing, Re-writing, writing.2 comments
So, I’ve started re-editing Rosie with the aim of sending it out to magazines. Thing is, there is a part in the story where I have used a flashback scene. This scene makes an appearance after the ‘intro’ and divulges quite a bit of information about one of the two main characters. Now, I like the story as it sits now, but I don’t know whether or not to do away with the flashback and use this scene – rewritten, of course – to start the story. This would allow me to run a chronological telling, and I usually find this the best course of action. But, like I have already said, I like the story (apart from the few tweaks I know it needs) as it is. What to do, what to do?
I hate indecision. It is a pain in the bum and one of my flaws. Hmph. I suppose it wouldn’t harm to try the scene at the start and see what peeps think. I think I might start on that on Monday, when Princi finally returns to nursery after the two week half term she is currently luxuriating in. Now I know the result of my last TMA and I am safe in the knowledge that my ECA has been received at the portfolio office, I have no worries regarding writing. No worries = no stress = ability to think again. Yay! Maybe I could even start something new. That’d be a novelty after the last two months.
Hmm. It’s such a strange feeling. I feel confident and equipped to deal with anything that may arise (or not) with my writing. Huh! The OU course did help me. After the feeling of complete dejection I suffered during the course, who’da thunk it?
